Matthew's thoughts

Well last night Matt and I were talking. He expressed how he would love to have my father's guitars, well i explained to him that my brother has one of them, but i don't talk to my brother. I said that my brother "hates" me. Matt replied with, "Mommy, do you think your brother really hates you on the inside? Or do you think its just on the outside?" I asked him what he meant. He replied, "Well see, i hate my dad on the outside because he hurts me so much, but what my heart feels its not hate at all, i love him so much, but sometimes my outside feelings say that i hate him because of what he does, but i know inside me, inside my heart that i would do anything for him because he is my dad and i love him. Mommy, I don't think your brother's hate is on the inside, i think its just on the outside and he doesn't know how to get past his outside feelings, one day he will know how, but you just have to be patient."

These are the inner most deepest thoughts of my 8 year old son. He has so much feeling and so much heart and knows how to express them. It takes most adults a lifetime to figure this out and my young boy did it naturally.

Sometimes i think he knows and understands more than he should. This just shows that an 8 year old is not just a kid, he is a person and has a heart that breaks just like an adult and understands what life is really about.

I find the strength in life in my son. He makes me realize there is more than what is seen by the eye.

See you in my dreams

The smell of grease and old spice brings to mind
The years of my childhood left far behind
The time I had no worries and you were all that mattered
Then in an instant the life I knew was shattered

Your birthday is coming, just a few days away
I don't understand how I made it to this day
I still see your smile and kind blue eyes
I know you are watching from somewhere in the skies

A thought of you comes to my mind every day
What would you do, what would you say
In life's situations, when love goes astray
I don't have you here to tell me its okay

I live my life they way you might have wanted
Learning from my mistakes so I am not haunted
People ask, "What would your father say"
I simply say "I never knew him that way"

I miss you daddy, I wish you were here
To walk me through the hard times and help cure my fears
I see you often, in my dreams at night
And wake up so happy in the morning light

People said it would get easier as time went on
But the people that said that were so very wrong.
The tears come down harder as the days are so long
The only relief is listing to your songs

I wonder what it would be like if you were still here
The pain that I feel would be no where near
Together again is so far so it seems
Until that day Daddy, I will see you in my dreams


In memory of:
Charles William Maddex
The best father a daughter can have
DOB: 5/26/56
DOD:8/28/93

No More Chances

Theres nothing left to say
We have to end it this way
Ive tried to understand
Being patient didn’t make the plan

Too many tears I have cried
Too many years I have tried
To be all that I can be for you
Im done with being blue

You didn’t meet me half way
So Im taking another path today
One that doesn’t include you
So now you’re the one that’s blue

One more chance is what you ask
I cant do that, its all in the past
I need my space you see
To be the person I need to be

I have to live my whole life through
I will not wait that long for you
I wish you the best where your life will lead you
And be happy with whatever path you choose

Never Give In

Where in this world can she be one
Where can she find the life full of fun
Being alone is one huge mess
Nothing to do just dwell in the stress

Smiling alone in the world full of chaos
Feelings of sadness building all around us
Fake people filling the time in between,
True feelings of happiness no where to be seen

She smiles, she waves, but is it all real
You cant really tell her skin starts to peel
she fights and she cries until she gives in
To a world full of hate and nothing but sin

A victim to life, just another sob story
You judge without knowing the lust of her glory
She wants to be happy but stuck in her guilt
Wanting the life in her thoughts that she built

But still there is hope for this one lonely girl
Someone will see that she is a true pearl
Hopes that one day her sadness will end
That the world all around her will somehow bend

But for now she will smile and do her fake wave
To those all around her that are not so brave
To push through the world full of hate and sin
She will fight and will cry but will never give in